Top 5, compliments of Monica

Top 5 people you want to....

...have sex with. This conversation came up with my friend Monica the other week. SO, who are the top 5 famous people you would want to sleep with? Celebrities generally get on my nerves but here are mine, in no particular order.


1. Nigel Barker (noted fashion photographer from ANTM, he's straight, bald and English)
2. Stephen Colbert (cuz he's fucking funny)
3. Jason Bateman (especially from his Arrested Development days, he's just hot...anyone know how I can get a date with him?)
4. Adrien Grenier (from Entourage)
5. Colin Firth

My list is probably strange to some but I really don't give a crap.

Who are your top 5?

Clay Aiken!!

While standing in line at CVS today to buy toilet paper and licorice (don't ask), I saw a "People Magazine" declaring THE MOST SHOCKING NEWS!!!!!

Clay Aiken (goofy redhead of AMerican Idol fame) is...wait for it....






GAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND...


He adopted a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Really, Clay?? You're gay? I would have never known. I, as well as countless Americans, feel very duped by you.

You know what else bothers me? That Clay Aiken has a baby before me!!
Not that I like babies, or even want one...but you know, as a heterosexual, almost 33 year old female, I'm kind of irked that he jumped on the baby bandwagon first.

Clay Aiken you queen, you are stealing my thunder!!!

Stalking...posted on my former myspace page

What did stalkers do before the internet?

I was going to delete my myspace page yesterday after somehow a complete psychopath (an ex) found out who my boyfriend is, and contacted him with his psychopath babbling yesterday. We can all thank myspace for this. You see, when you date someone you usually let them have access and become your myspace "friend". Ladies and gentlemen, don't fucking do this. Don't let some asshole who you have only dated for a bit have ANYTHING to do with your myspace, facebook, etc. Because this is what they will do:

1. Write down all your friends names and myspace links.
2. Stalk them for an entire year after you dump their pathetic, psychopath, gross ass.
3. Send your current boyfriend bat shit mothafucka crazy messages.

I can only assume my former psychopath must have been stalking my boyfriend, as my bf was a real friend and myspace friend long before he became the bf. (Now there is a novel idea people, be friends with people for as long as possible so you can weed out the crazies before you allow yourself to have an intimate relationship...yeah, it takes awhile but at least for me, it's worth it. I'm in no rush to the altar anyway, I have time.

I may not be making any sense and unless you are Rhian, Lisa, or Jeff...you are going to be reading this and thinking I am BAT SHIT crazy. I can assure you, I am in fact, not. I am pissed and I feel violated that this psycho would bother my boyfriend.

Ah, but back to the lesson...be careful what you post online...this is truly a voyeur's dream. Make your profile private. Don't just add any Joe Blow to your friends. Don't add the guy or girl you have been dating for 5 minutes. Watch your back bitches, because the world is full of the crazies.

AND finally,

Sometimes doing nothing is the best revenge.

I'm watching you....now go make your profile private!!!

My favorite websites

Just an FYI: my posting are not in any order, I cut and pasted them from Myspace and was too lazy to put them in order.

Anyhoo, here is how I waste some time when I come home from work:

Jen Lancaster is one of the funniest authors I have read and she has her own website which cracks me up, I know everyone has a blog these days but hers is REALLY funny!

1. Jen's website

My friends know that since I have adopted my 2 cats, I have turned into a crazy cat lady...at least I am still cute though, right? So of course, I love this:

2. the LOL cat site
(If you don't find this funny, I'm not sure I can be friends with you anymore.)

I also like to check out this site, has cute animal stories and stuff you can buy your pets.

3. for animal lovers

For my weekly dose of celebrity gossip AND this site has also led me to funny things such as the "Rap: Represented in Mathematical Charts and Graphs" website.

4. gossip and funnies

Finally, I like this site. It has funky clothing, accesories and home decor stuff. It's just fun.

5. Mod stuff

Engineers guide to cats

I just LOVE this!

I got 99 problems and a bitch ain't one

Conversation with my mom last week:

My mom is 65 years old and her name is Charlotte (aka "Charlotte the Harlot"...yes, I do call her this and she does find it amusing and no, she ain't a ho)

Charlotte: "Do you like the music of Jay Z?"

Me: "Yes, how do you even know him and why are you asking me this."

Charlotte: "Wanna go see him in Ireland?"

Me: (nearly peeing my pants at the thought of my mother at a hip hop concert) "Umm, okay, how do you even know about this?"

Charlotte: "I'll send you an e-mail I sent to Aunt Jan about everything. I have to go now. Bye."

Me: "I can't wait to tell Laura this!"

Ranting and how do you have cheap fun?

Well, this isn't really a rant per se, more like general bitching abut nonsense.

I am home on a Friday night.

Why do you ask?

Well, I am generally exhausted after a work week but I have to get up at 5am to go to a orthopedic conference at Yale all day. Woo-hoo. Bitches don't be jealous of my ultra-exciting life.

Things I hate right now:

celebrities

people trash talking about Hilary

that my cats just can't be in love already and instead chose to chase each other all around my place.

TV is meaningless, is there anything really worth watching on?

Boston sports...get over it people and get a fucking life other than sports. I like sports too but you do not have to act like I have leprosy when I tell you I am a Yankees fan...it's SPORTS....It's not like I am telling you I admire Hitler.

What else? I don't like when people criticize me and judge me when I tell them I do not want to have children. Who fucking died and made your sorry ass God? And the people who get all uppity and judgemental about MY decisions, let's just say they lead pretty sucky lives.

Switching gears:

I am on a budget. I need to pay off a little debt and save for my next big trip which is Thailand next year. So, I am trying not to go out and spend money so much.

What cheap fun do YOU all like to have??

Thank you for listening.

Batmouseacock

Batmouseacock

So, I had a lovely evening with my 2 cousins. We had Mexican food, went to Water Fire in Providence, and then had ice cream. All in all, a splendid night with cousins Laura and little Sam.

Until I came home.

I heard a weird sound, a squeaking, scratchy, scary sound behind my fridge. My heart started to pound, palms sweaty, already reaching for a Valium (a girls gotta have a supply of these). I grab my tiny, yellow flashlight and take a look. (Meanwhile the two felines in my house are oblivious to the horrific sounds emanating and continue to sit on kitchen floor and lick themselves...that's it...I'm getting a German Shepard).

I see a blob, shapeless...the squeaking continues. My sympathetic nervous system is now in overdrive and I now fear a stroke is imminent! I run away into my bedroom and every time I approach the fridge, the sound gets louder. I live all alone. My boyfriend lives in Boston (this is unacceptable, move already). So, I call the only other man who may come to my rescue...dear old dad. My bro answers the phone and he can't come because he just took his psych meds and is doped up and he already drives like an 80 year old man so we certainly don't need him on the road at midnight. He wakes my dad.

Dad: Huh? What do you want? (He is so charming)

Me: There is an unidentifiable blob behind my fridge and it is squeaking. My fridge's electrical cord is moving....THE BLOB IS MOVING THE CORD!!!!!" Can you please come over?

Dad: Oh, come on...I'm in bed. Just spray it with something.

Me: I can't! I need HELP! It could KILL me! Fine, I'll call Rhian, he'll come down.

Dad: Okay, let me know what happens.

So, I arrange to pick Rhian up (ever the wonderful bf). He gets on redline and I am on my way to Quincy.

Five minutes later, my dad calls....

Dad: Can you still hear it?

Me: Yeah, I'm going to pick Rhian up at train station so he can kill it.

Dad: DON'T MAKE HIM COME ALL THEC WAY DOWN HERE! That is RIDICLOUS!!!

Me: But...you said you wouldn't...

Dad: I'm on my way....call him off!

(Ringing Rhian..."uh, you can go home now...sorry"). He is back on red line in other direction...not sure why he puts up with my high-maintenance behavior.

So, my dad comes over...investigates....does not hear sound....or see anything (Meanwhile, cats still licking themselves and ignoring my plight).

My dad concludes I am hearing things and I am a lunatic. ("Great, now I have 2 kids who hear things that aren't there!") My dad will be 70 this year and he obviously has decided to lose his hearing tonight.

I am alone again.

Squeak. Squeak. Scratchy, scratchy.

Begonia's ears have perked up and she is now fixating on the baseboard heating vent thing. I hear the noise even more now and....oh, holy fuck....I think I just saw some sort of tentacle.

There is a batmouseacock in my house. It is bat-like b/c of the high pitched squeaking, mouse-like b/c a mouse would be the most logical thing, and cock like b/c (get your mind out of the gutter)....I believe it is crossed with the insect family somehow. It is a mutated form of all these things and it is in my house and I am all alone with 2 felines who are now napping.

God help me....since he is busy probably helping people with more serious problems like starvation and natural disasters....I found the next best solution.

Valium.

I now realize why women get married. To have a fucking man in the house save yo ass from mutated mammal-rodent-insect creatures.

Thank you for your time and attention.

I hope I live through the night...

Ireland 2008

Ireland has an approximate population of 4.2 million people.
There are 9 million sheep in Ireland.
There are 50% more cows than people in Ireland.

Beer is NOT served warm....I don't know why people say this.
(It wasn't served warm in England when I was there years ago as well, again, maybe I just didn't go to the warm beer pubs??)

I wrecked the rental car within the first 20 minutes of driving in Dublin. While not really funny at the time, it is hysterical now. Construction equipment just JUMPS RIGHT OUT AT YOU in Ireland!

It is very green with beautiful mountains. Next time, I am going with someone who likes to hike.

DINGLE!!!

Ladies of the world....

Flight of the Conchords....

Ridiculous fun here...

Break up letter

One of my favorite things to do while wasting time, is to search the interent for ridiculous stuff.
I found myself at www.ytmnd.com and found this....a REAL break-up letter sent to a guy and is chock full of grammatical errors and no punctuation. The best part is, some guy read it in a very dramatic voice. I find it quite funny.

Turn up the volume and enjoy this!

It is really hard to be a teacher and they don't get paid enough.

My wonderful cousin is a high school Spanish teacher, God bless her. I find it hard to teach the college students at times, as several younger people are being raised by so called "helicopter parents". These parental types essentially "hover" over their children constantly and create quite the co-dependent relationship with them. They are over-involved with their lives, micro-manage every aspect of their children's daily activities, and even go as far as to do their homework and write their college essays.

This to me, is sad. How will these children ever learn to deal with life's problems, stresses, and hardships if their parents DON'T CUT THE CORD???!!!

The real point of today's' rant is an e-mail my cousin received from one of her students. It is pathetic, laughable, and I am concerned about this girl's future. Please read on...

"I have a bit of a complaint. This essay is a pain. i only gave it to

you a day late and it was excused and i got it back after vacation when

everyone except rob recieved theirs before vacation. So, technically

everyone had TEN days longer to correct theirs and ask you questions. I

dont even understand some of the correction marks on the paper. im

confused on how to even begin to correct it. yeah maybe i should ha looked at it earlier but i've been staring it it for the past two hours trying to desipher the correction marks and its not working. i'll try it but im just warning you that its pretty much unfair because i dont usually fail.   oh yea and last test was terrible tooo because i studied for a good three hours, knew everything, got the test and had no idea which piece of information should be put to what question. and i knew alllllll the vocab definitions but couldn't place them in the sentences... i did not know palestine and the other place didnt

get along..........!!!!! very bias test. i'm sorry im in a terrible

mood because of this essay and i felt you needed to hear me now because I dont usually talk in class i keep my mouth shut unlike other people in our class who piss me off. please dont get offended by this, nothing

bad against you just the essay. write me back as soon as you get this

thanks



ill send you the essay when im finished i dont have a printer.   -s*****"



Has she ever heard of spellcheck?  Do they teach grammar and basic punctuation in school anymore?  She has no manners, addresses a teacher so informally, and complains like a whining little baby!

You just gotta love this part:



"i did not know palestine and the other place didnt

 get along..........!!!!! very bias test".



The other place being Israel.

In addition to teaching these brats a very useful foreign language, my cousin also incorporates world culture into her class...to expand their little, pea-sized minds.

I am so glad I am not a high school teacher.  I am scared for our future...if this is how the majority behave and act, we are in big trouble!

Cancun trip January 2007

Hello...I am back!

I will sum up my trip in a series of numbered points:

1. I had fun, overall, very nice to sit on the beach and do nothing and walk around in a bikini.
2. I am slightly sunburnt...was not as diligent with the sunscreen....now I fear I will need botox.
3. Highlights included: beach, warmth, sun, fun times with friends, the alligator at a bar we went to and we got to feed him chicken (and he also danced to the music...really, he did), snorkeling was awesome.
4. Senor Frogs was fun...actually played music from the current decade.
5. Coco Bongo nightclub was a date rapists paradise...would NEVER recommend going there. They played music from decades ago and it was lame-ish.
6. If you are single and want to get laid...this is the place for you. Can't tell you how many guys started dancing with me and got frisky, but as soon as I told them I wasn't fucking them...off they went to some other girl.

Overall, Cacun = Cheesy. I am kind of a snob and found the resort not so great. It was clean, beautiful beach but overall, food stunk and the bartenders were not as friendly.

I would highly recommend the Riviera Maya/Playa Del Carmen....more chill, quiet, upscale. Tammy and I went there a few years ago and it is so much nicer than Cancun.

My friend Angela and I got surrounded by a bunch of security guards at Coco Bongo who were trying to lure us to the dance section of the club and we just wanted to drink at the bar. I kept telling them "go way", "no" we are not going, one grabbed Angela..I hit him. Thank goodness a nice security guard escorted us out of there. They try to get you drunk before you even get into the club with shots and weird blue drinks. It's all a set-up to see how drunk you can get the women so the men can take advantage of them. Kind of scary.

So, overall, if you are single, want to get laid and enjoy almost getting sold into the sex trade...this is the place for you. I was actually surprised there were so many families with kids there. They even were walking around at night with their little kids in downtown with all the craziness.

Oh and the Coco Bongo also had live performers. Picture it: they started playing "Passion of the Christ" on a huge screen at the nightclub....next thing you know....men in loin clothes are dangling from crosses from the ceiling. Great way to get people in a party mood....show them the persecution of Christ. Being a recovering Catholic....I was offended by the whole scene. It was the strangest thing I ever saw.

Okay, must go back to work. Stay at the Riviera Maya people.

Love,

Amy

I LOVE this commercial!

This cracks me up!!

Go look!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqX7VxW3wL0

Better have your fun now...

"Better have your fun now, before you have kids."

I hear this line so frequently I felt the need to blog about it.
I hear it from friends, family, co-workers, strangers, the lady at Starbucks (well, not really), but you get my drift. I am going to Spain, Ireland, and Disney World this year. When I tell people who have kids about my travel plans, this is inevitably the line I receive...."Better have your fun now, before you have kids." My friend Stacey has a similar post in her blog. She said, "way to make having kids sound really fun."

So, what are these people trying to tell me. Life ends once you have children. You shrivel up and become stagnant and never do anything ever again???
I mean, my family did not have money growing up, but we always had fun. I don't think me parents lives ended because my brother and I were born. My mother endured difficult pregnancies with both of us and just thanked God she had us. She made even making pancakes an exciting adventure.

It just annoys the shit out of me. I never really have had a maternal yearning. The whole labor thing really freaks me out and I will admit, I can be selfish. Other things my friends have said to me about having kids include:
"Forget about getting your nails done, you won't have time."
"Forget about wearing nice clothes and shoes, the kids will ruin them."
"Forget about alone time with your husband."
"Forget about traveling or going anywhere ever again because once you have kids you have no money, no time for that."

Wow. Let me go get knocked up right now because it sounds so fun. Actually, I have a better plan, I think I will call my doctor and convince her to tie my tubes and then go book another trip.

I don't mean to offend all the parents out there. I really feel people say these things because they are so stressed out with life in general, they want to bring you down to their level of misery. Why do humans do this? When something exciting happens to someone I care about, I am very happy for them and want to share in their joy.

So, next time your single friend says to you: "I'm going to Spain." Respond with "I can't wait to see the pictures."

You're a vegetable??

I am driving down the street today and old school Michael Jackson comes on. I guess I never paid attention to his lyrics when I was younger because, oh I don't know...I was too busy getting my groove on and stuffing my face with twinkies. But "Starting Something" has THE MOST ridiculous lyrics EVER!

Why is the person a vegetable? WTF is Michael talking about?
Oh, and if you can't feed your baby...don't have a baby.
See below.

I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
You got to be startin' somethin'
I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
You got to be startin' somethin'
It's too high to get over (yeah, yeah)
Too low to get under (yeah, yeah)
You're stuck in the middle (yeah, yeah)
And the pain is thunder (yeah, yeah)
It's too high to get over (yeah, yeah)
Too low to get under (yeah, yeah)
You're stuck in the middle (yeah, yeah)
And the pain is thunder (yeah, yeah)
You're a vegetable, you're a vegetable
Still they hate you, you're a vegetable
You're just a buffet, you're a vegetable
They eat off of you, you're a vegetable

If you can't feed your baby (yeah, yeah)
Then don't have a baby (yeah, yeah)
And don't think maybe (yeah, yeah)
If you can't feed your baby (yeah, yeah)
You'll be always tryin'
To stop that child from cryin'
Hustlin', stealin', lyin'
Now baby's slowly dyin'

My friends are funny (October 2007)

I had a bunch of my old skool friends over Saturday night. They are all married and have kids and we all got tipsy. Next thing I know, they are whipping out their boobs and bellys showing what having kids has done to their bodies....I was horrified. I have since made a STAT appointment to get a tubal ligation (tubes tied) and am going to buy that dog I have always wanted. No seriously, I love them...they are such great friends and I am super happy Monica moved back here from Georgia.

So, one of my friends says during a quiet moment the other evening...she is all serious....and says..."Do you guys know any...(now I'm thinking is she going to ask if we know someone really shady, like a drug dealer, or terrorist, b/c her voice is all low and serious....but she actually says:
"Do you guys know any Black people?" HAHAHAHAHAHA!

One time my friend "D", after she had her daughter, had to get a part-time job as she gave up her full-time one to stay home some of the time with her kid. So, she thinks it is a good idea to work at the bakery at BJ's Wholesale Club. After weeks of luggin heavy bakery pans, she says to me:
"BJ's...I'm better at giving them, than working there." HAHAHAHA

Finally, it was my birthday last week and my friend Erica, who is Jewish and this becomes relevant in a moment, leaves me a birthday song on my voice mail:
"Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
You don't have a wrinkle,
And I'm still a Jew!"

HAHAHAHAHA!

Down with my gansta self

Well, for those of you who don't know me very well...I admit to liking rap music. Not just "pop" rap music, no I'm talking 'bout Wu Tang, NWA...yeah, this white girl and her equally white cousin have been known to drive around listening to this stuff.

So, I found this most amusing:

Rap: Represented in Graphs and Charts...

You must go look. NOW!

Rap charts

Myspace friend requests

I have bitched before about getting friend requests from people who don't even say hello first. I may have spoken too soon. Perhaps, if you are going to send someone a friend request and have absolutely no MOJO whatsoever, and lack the complete ability to use simple punctuation, you should just send that friggin' friend request. Period. Also, if you are a 39 year old man who can not spell and English IS your first language, you should really think about having a friend, co-worker, or stranger on the street proofread your e-mail for you. It may just assist you in picking up that hot stranger on myspace.
So, that all being said, here is a recent e-mail I received on here from someone who most likely didn't pass 8th grade English, has never gotten laid, and he also likes to dress up in freaky Civil War attire and re-enact battles. I know, I'm being a judgmental bitch. Seriously though...does this guy actually believe he has got it going on?

Please read on....

"And a Hearty good afternoon Miss Ratchet
I was just informed of your beauity when I looked at your picture and I was thinking that we might chat here some time.I may be from a different time zone that wears different clothes that I had maid for me but also i might be a bit older then thou but id like to think we could be atleast friends here. just send me a piggon in the sky ( a note ) to say yea or na ok."

BTW....can someone tell me what a "piggon" is???? I picture pigs flying around...
BTW...who informed him of my b-e-a-u-i-t-y??? When I found out which one of you it was, I am sending my flying piggon after you!

NYC bus trip 2007

So, Rhian and I were in NYC a few weeks ago, on my friend Kristen's annual NYC bus trip. As with most things in my life, our day revolved around food. We had cannollis, pizza, and some pub food. Did some shopping, walked alot...took the subway to Soho. All in all, a lovely day in my favorite place. That is, until we got to Fifth Avenue. There I was ready to go into one of my former favorite stores, Zara. I refuse to shop there now because the last few times I have been there, the clothes look like they are made for 5 foot tall anorexics and that is not me. I have hips and boobs that have to fit into clothes, you know...the way a woman should look.

I digress.

We are walking along looking at the lovely holiday decorations when all of a sudden...the most gruesome sight is in front of us. There were about 4-5 NYPD officers standing around looking at the sidewalk and the area was roped off with the yellow "Caution" tape. The police and everyone else around the area were stopped to see a bloody, dying possum. The poor thing somehow made its way to 5th ave (Not sure why...was in search for holiday bargains? Tiffany earrings? A Vuitton bag?...we may never know). Rhian thinks he ventured out of the Park on a cocaine binge and was looking to score more rock. I think he was perhaps going to Prada.

We may never know, but it was quite sad to see a bloodied possum dying in front of out eyes. The cops had to kill him to put him out of his misery. We ran into a store to avoid seeing that. Then, he was scooped up by animal control.

Rhian took it harder than me, he is much more sensitive and well, quite frankly, a lot nicer than me. I yelled at him to get over it, that things die, that is life and be thankful is wasn't a person. What can I say? I was brought up to "take it like a man"! But deep down, I just wish that possum would have stayed in the park. Even Prada isn't worth dying for.

What I want for Christmas 2007 edition

What I want for Christmas

I've always said I really want one of these for times when I get pissed off in traffic, or just if I see someone wearing those fuzzy boots that look like they have wooly mammoths on their feet.

I hope one of my friends gets me the pink one.

A girl can dream.

Dating advice

Okay, so I had been dating this guy and ended it recently. I just have to say: never go out with someone who is not familiar with music by....
1. The Beatles
2. The Stones
3. Led Zeppelin
Run away screaming from people like this...it can only end badly. Trust me, I know.